Indifferent

Do you ever wake up scared? Just didn't sleep right, tossed and turned all night and then all of the sudden wake up in a jolt and your terrified. I was told a couple of weeks ago in acting class, which also happens to be a life class, that the opposite of love is not hate - it's indifferent. It makes sense, Love and Hate are actually very close, hence the phrase there is a thin line between love and hate. I have experienced both. I have loved and hated. Yet, my genuine love has only been between my parents and I and my dog lol. When you truly begin to love someone that could be your mate and allow them to love you, it feels great. I have been told of true love, soul mates, blah blah... I never believed in it. I have always had a wall up protecting myself from this thing called love. Actually, indifferent was really my way of being. When you are indifferent you don't allow yourself to feel, you can't possibly be scared because there is nothing to be scared of and you can't get hurt because you don't allow yourself to love. It is the safe way of living. When you love it hurts, even when things are perfect and thats something I can't explain. Love is inexplainable. You allow yourself to be vulnerable and that is the scary part. Love is living and embracing the moment and hoping it never ends but thinking of all the wonderful possibilities for the future. When you truly love, unconditionally, and do not expect anything back, it is a part of you that you may only know and feel once. When you find that person and love in that manner it is real and never changing. Now, there is all kinds of love - conditional, physical, intellectual, lust, love at first sight, one night love and I could go on and on. Yet, when you unconditionally love someone, you know it and you will know you can only see yourself doing it for that one person. You see eye to eye on that love and you embrace it with fear because like I said, it is not something that happens everyday and some never even get to experience it. It is an unusual feeling that causes terrifying sensations in your body and soul. I don't even think the human mind was made to understand it or know it. If you do begin to feel scared but safe at the same time, blissful yet sad at the same time, love and pain at the same time, laugh and cry at the same time, empty and full at the same time, these could be signs. The signs are so confusing and thats when the human mind begins to mess it all up because it is something alien and not recognizable and it can't be intellectualized. So, we create ways to intellectualize it with jealousy, fights over petty things, expectations, being distrustful, possessive, and the actions go on and on. We ruin it because we don't know it. If you are lucky and are spiritually elevated, he may just help you through it and you can allow yourself to experience this amazing thing we call true love and if you happen to find your soul mate to do it with, consider yourself one of the blessed ones. Don't be scared... My guess is, who ever created that saying, it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, knows what I am writing about. The way I see it, even if I only get to experience it for a little while, I will be thankful I had him for the time I did and keep that with me forever. I never knew this existed..."Me Either."

Always Peace N Love,

Now You Know,

Janiece